Weird. This is just weird.

My Dad passed away last week. On October 15th, at about 10:40pm. The facts are simple, but the loss is so profound.

The details of how it happened don't really matter at the end of the day. He is gone. But I will say that I'm thankful for how it happened; he was at home until just a few hours before he "left" (as my Mom and I keep catching ourselves saying), he didn't suffer long, and he was so very, very ready to go. He told me the day before that he was "tired of living". And I knew that he was. And I'm thankful that he isn't tired anymore.

I know that for the rest of my life I will constantly be realizing what a huge part of ME he really was. And still is. The way I grew up and the strong presence that he was affects everything I still do. I will never put a wet towel on the floor. I will always un-ball my socks before I put them in the hamper. I will always break down cereal boxes before putting them in the trash. I will pull my plate over to me. I will think of goats every time someone says "kids" instead of "children". There is a right and a wrong way to do things, and I was never allowed to forget it.

He thought he would die years ago. I learned this week that a family friend of ours once told him, "Fred, I wish you would either do it or stop talking about it!" I have spent my whole life with this "someday it will happen" hanging over my head. I planned everything with the footnote of "depending on the situation with my Dad". So in a lot of ways, this is a relief and a release for me (and my Mom - oooooh the new-found freedom for my Mom!) to move onto the next chapter with a little more certainty about the timing of the future.

There is so much to process. I'm sure I will be processing for years. Last week I sat down a few times to try and write this, but it was just TOO MUCH. Too much emotion, too many memories, overflowing, spilling over, rising up in my chest and rumbling around in my tummy. I probably lost a lot of the raw emotions from the time immediately after, but I don't think we're supposed to stay in that space of the fresh wound for very long. Just like a physical wound, healing begins immediately. I'm thankful for the work that needs to be done immediately after a death - it is so helpful to have tasks to fill the time; going through pictures and writing an obituary and picking out an urn (or, in my Dad's case, not picking out an urn) are all exercises in celebrating the richness of the life that was, and processing the finality of the end.

I can't sum up an entire 91 year life in a blog post. I'm looking forward to the Memorial Service so I can hear some other peoples' stories and experiences.... I wish I had a fuller picture of him. But I do know that he loved my Mom and he loved me. I will carry that with me, and even when everything else falls away and the nuances of his personality are forgotten and life goes on, I will know that I was loved.

Hopefully this makes sense to your brain, too.

During my run today (FIVE MILES!!! I want to shout it from the rooftops that I just ran FIVE miles!) I listened to possibly one of my favorite episodes of This American Life yet. You can listen to it here. You should probably just go listen to it because the re-cap I'm about to do will not do it justice. But one of the stories was about a dad who electrically rigged his car with a rotary phone dial in the middle of the steering wheel, and when he would enter a “code” on the dial, the car would start. He had a code for everything; if someone wanted their window down or seat reclined, there was a code for that. It took him months of work to set it all up. But in the end, he had a car that only he could control, because only he knew the codes. His daughter is a producer for the show, and as she's telling the story, she talks about how everyone in the family has heard the story multiple times. They have parts of it memorized. Her dad is so proud of this car he tricked out 50+ years ago. He will tell anyone who will listen. And the moral of his story was that you can do ANYTHING if you set your mind to it however weird it seems.

This struck me for two reasons.

First, I have one of those dads. His brain wires don't really cross correctly anymore (Parkinson's and being 91 – booooo), but in his day my dad could weave a tale. I have heard some of his stories probably 20 times. And every time, he would tell them to me like this was the first time he had ever told anyone, let alone me. Even now, he'll try to start a story, and he'll get confused about the details or the time-line, and my mom and I are usually able to finish it for him. Because we've heard it THAT MANY TIMES. But for me it's one of those memories that isn't far enough in the past that it's cute or funny yet. Like, it still annoys me to think about having to sit through one of my dad's stories. It's not something I miss about him, yet. Not sure if it ever will be.

Secondly, I found myself likening my half-marathon to this dad's code-car. It will take me months to train for, and then it will be done. I will be so proud of myself, and I will want to tell everyone my tale. But realistically, no one will really want to hear it. They'll listen to me to make me feel good, and then say “Wow, Laura, that's great! Good job!”. Which is great. It really will make me feel good. But just like Car-Dad, I am the one who will know all the details and everything that went into this accomplishment. In the same way that the details of the car didn't matter to anyone else, the details of what this marathon means to me aren't important for anyone else. It's just for me. It's a ton of work. It's getting up early, it's soreness, it's being super mindful of nutrition, it's time management, and on and on and on..... Training becomes a lifestyle. So for me, the moral of the story is that this is just for me, and always will be. But if I set my mind to it, I can do it.

Magic Bananas

(Written Saturday, October 6, 2012)

One week of training down! I won't get into the minutia of my training schedule, but today I ran the farthest I ever have. Like, EVER. It was only 4 miles, but if you had told me a year ago that the words “only”, “four”, and “miles” would come out of my mouth in that order I would have told you get out of town. Seriously. No, really, leave.

I think it's safe to say that I've made great strides (pun INTENDED) in mastering the morning run. I have always been an after work sunset runner, because I was born “not a morning person”. The sun comes up and my body says NOPE. But I know that I need to train my body to say “YAY! It's morning! Let's go run 9 miles! Hooray!” So I have been diligent about getting out of bed a 6am and doing my run. Because it works better with my schedule, and the actual race is in the morning, so I need to be used to the morning (which was my downfall with Pat's Run – another story for another day, or maybe not. Let's just pretend like that one never happened. Okay, thanks.).

Day one was ROUGH. Like, lead feet, tired mushy brain runningishorrible whyamidoingthis Iwillneverbeabletorun13miles I'mtired Iwanttojustlayhereonthesideoftheroad. Thomas suggested that I eat a banana before my next run because that's what he used to do in high school for tennis, so I did, and OOOOH man! BANANA-RAMA! I have done the banana thing twice now and it makes a world of difference. I cannot overstate the magic of the banana. I have energy, I'm focused, I can run and run and run.

And I'm actually starting to love the morning. It's just me. Thomas and the cats are still sleeping. The house is quiet. The world is quiet. I have my tea and banana, I gather my gear (post on gear is in the works....) and I GO. The sun is just peeking up over block walls and desert landscaping, there's a tiny (very tiny) chill in the air, I don't have to do anything for the next however many miles except run those miles. It's just me and Ira Glass (see next paragraph for explanation of potentially obscure reference...).

I am a big, HUGE, fan of public radio, and I've found that my favorite thing to listen to while I run is not up-tempo inspirational music (Kelly Clarkson, Stronger – I'm looking at you!), but This American Life, with host Ira Glass. If you don't know what it is, click the link. It's awesome. It's the best. I just get absolutely lost in the story, and before I know it, I've done another mile. Love, LOVE.

Stay tuned. Next week I end with five miles. Sheeeesh.

Starting the Process of Progress

(Written Saturday, September 29, 2012)

Today is the last Saturday for the next 4-ish months that I won't get up early. To RUN. Say what? Who gets up at 6am on a Saturday after working a full week to do anything other than pee and go BACK TO BED? Me. I will. Because I have decided that on January 20th, 2013, I will run 13.1 miles. And apparently that's not something you just decide to go do. There is training. Much, much training.

Darla gave me my training schedule this week. At first, no big deal. 3 miles here, 4 miles there. I haven't done that too consistently, but I CAN do it. I just haven't. And then December arrives, and there's one week where I will run a total of 23 miles. Twenty. Three. MILES. And that week just so happens to be the week of Christmas. I will celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus not in my usual way of drinking a lot of wine and eating everything I can get my hands on (emphasize “a lot” and “everything”), mixed with feeling sentimental for the passage of time and days gone by, but by running 23 miles. Hey, cool!

It doesn't make sense. Why would I choose this? I have never been a very athletic person, or someone who really even sets goals. But maybe that's the reason. I NEED this. Like a kid that's a behavior problem in high school needs the Army. I need to learn the discipline to do something that no one is expecting me to do, or even cares if I do it or not. This is not a natural next step, like college after high school or babies after marriage. This is something completely unnecessary, but it's for ME. And I have to do it. HAVE TO. In my spirit.

I plan to journal my progress here, because I know that it will not only be progress, but a process. I know I'm not the first one to run a race, there is nothing notable for the world about me doing this. But I have a feeling it will change my world.

Welcome back, Me!

(Written Saturday, June 23, 2012)
I tend to think in terms of “what was I doing one year ago right now…” It helps me get a handle on the passage of time, my progress (or lack there-of) through life, to remember to be grateful…. So, one year ago right now, I was doing…. well, THIS. Blogging. Except in mostly different circumstances.
And I loved it. I loved the therapy (for lack of a better word) of putting my thoughts out there for anyone or no one to read. But that backfired badly for me, as people acted as though because I put something on the interwebz, it became their personal business to handle/comment on/fix. I partly blame myself, for not establishing clear boundaries from the start. So, I stopped the blogging. At least the blogging about anything other than what I could post vanilla pictures of. But it felt fake…. I was in a different head-space than what I was depicting on my blog, but couldn’t share it because people would see it and take it upon themselves to tell me how to be different. I guess that’s enough details about why I stopped.
All this to say, I’m starting again. Because I miss writing. This is not for anyone but me. If you find it, I’m glad. Read it. Enjoy it on whatever level you want. DO NOT contact me or Thomas with judgements, questions, or suggestions of how to live our life. If we need your help with life, we’ll ask. In the same spirit of boundaries, I won’t write about anyone’s business but my own. I think that’s pretty clear. (“Man, she’s kinda rude.”)
I’m not traveling anymore, other than down the road of life (wow, that was cheesy….), so I realize that this won’t be a non-stop thrill-ride if you do subscribe. But it’s for me, so it is what it is.
So, what have I been doing for the last year? Here are some of the highlights, in no particular order:

• We have set up a new life in Phoenix, I’m working at a job I enjoy (as much as one can enjoy a job that isn’t a career), Thomas finished his thesis and graduated with his Masters (I don’t think I could be more PROUD), and the cats are as furry and cat-ish as ever.
  

• I got really depressed and then spent about six months in counseling. WORTH EVERY PENNY and I’m doing much better now.
• I got an iPhone. Anti-smartphone-me got an iPhone. It’s been 7 months and I’m still very much in love.
• I started running/hiking/working out/etc. Still doing yoga regularly. My sweet friend Darla has been instrumental in this – an encouraging, motivating force that inspired me to get out of bed WAY earlier on many a Saturday than normal Laura would have been willing to. We hiked the Seven Summits of Phoenix (well, six…), I ran a 5K, struggled through 4.2 miles at Pat’s Run, and I’m planning on dominating a half-marathon in January. 
  
  
  
  
  
• I’ve gotten pretty good at Words With Friends. Yessss…..
• I got PRK (vision-correction surgery) and I’m SO very glad. Life changing. Not for the faint of heart.
  

So, I hope this is the first post of many. I want this to be some kind of outlet for me. Not sure what it will look like, yet.

Back in Action!

Once upon a time, I had a blog. It was a lovely blog. It had a whimsical theme with its own domain name, I spent hours and days and nights learning WordPress so I could make my blog just how I wanted. It screamed "ME!". I blogged my life - some major stuff (quit my job and moved to Brazil for 3 months with Thomas). Then I didn't log in for like, 9 months. To make a long story short, I recently logged in, just to say "Hi" to my blog, did a WordPress update, and then my blog was ruined. The end.

So because I can't speak computer code well enough to fix my blog, I'm starting over. In more ways than one. I'm not the girl who went to Brazil anymore. I'm a new me, with a new outlook and spirit.

While I was on the edge of my seat wondering if my blog could be saved, I was doing some blogging anyway. So the next few posts will be to catch up. Get everyone up to speed, while I learn how to sweet-talk Blogger. Glad you're here.