Life is complicated. This is the story of my quest to live simply, and the simple things that make life special.
Maybe all we really need is love and what can fit in a suitcase.
Half-way there. Today is Day Five of the Detox. I have mixed emotions.
I'm tired, very low-energy. But that makes sense because each day I've only been eating 700-800 calories, with half of that coming from apple juice.
Here are some pictures (I tried to rotate them, I don't know what I did wrong but I can't figure out out, so you'll have to use your Taco Neck on some of them. Or we can call them "artsy".... I am not a photographer, I just have an iPhone):
Breakfast Day 1: Quinoa with prunes and pear nectar, grapefruit juice, and "Alkaline Broth" (read: chug it down as fast as you can so you don't vomit). Only half of that apple is mine. Not pictured: one tbsp of pure flax seed oil (yuck.).
Here we have broccoli, green beans, and swiss chard. Lunch each day is some kind of steamed veggie....
And so is dinner! That thing by the knife is fennel bulb - pretty yummy! Also, rarely we get plain rice crackers and ooooh my gosh 3 plain rice crackers are so deliciously amazing when you haven't had anything but vegetables for two days. Also, we get to eat the vegetables IN the Alkaline Broth, and beet juice.
I baked this steamy beet in the oven. It was so steamy. And the size of your baby's head.
This is corn and potato chowder (with chicken broth as an ingredient, OMG SALT). And carrot juice. That white thing on the bottom is celery root, and so far, it's my favorite weird vegetable. I highly recommend it.
Banana in amaranth cereal with rice milk. Yum.
More Alkaline Soup (yaaaaay), celery and zucchini juice, and Fennel Au Gratin. FYI Fennel bulb cooked in chicken broth, then topped with olive oil and spelt bread crumbs almost tastes like chicken. But doesn't actually taste like chicken.
We are feeling, um, okay. Mostly good. Surprisingly not hungry. And I used to get hungry like NOW. Like one minute I would be fine, and the next I would be HUNGRY like feed me now or someone dies. But the hunger on this diet has come on more gradually, and it's not uncomfortable or urgent, and that is so nice.
I am down four pounds. But I'm not delusional, that's probably mostly water weight and because I haven't eaten anything but fruits and veggies for 4 days. I know that probably won't stay if I eat normally again. But weight loss isn't the point of all this anyway.
My favorite part has been the breakfasts. The food is tasty and I have loved getting up early to make breakfast, and then Thomas and I eating it together. We have never gotten up at the same time in the morning, let alone eat breakfast together. It's real domestic and nice-feeling.
Not much else to say for now. I can't make a judgement yet. I know I feel better eating like this than the way we were. This is a lot of work though, and there has to be a happy medium between eating food that's diverse and good for you, and spending 4 hours a day prepping food and cleaning the kitchen to get ready for the next meal. That's what we hope to find. A healthy diet that fits with a normal life.
I haven't run AT ALL since my race. Not one step. I've been exercising here and there, but the last few weeks have mostly been filled with rest, time with Thomas, TV, pizza, and beer. All around lazy. It's been pretty great.
Great, but kinda scary how quickly and easily I forget what my body is capable of when I take care of it and challenge it. Also, I am quite enjoying the weight loss that was a nice by-product of my training, and would like to maintain that.
So.... We've decided to DETOX! This book and the friendly looking man who wrote it will be our guide for the next month:
He will help us get all the nonsense of Costco pizzas and delicious lagers and almond roca and sausage breakfast sandwiches from Starbucks out of our bodies/lives.
So we read the book, and I made this ridiculous list:
Then we went shopping and justified spending a horrendous amount of money on all organic vegetables and products with how good we are going to feel when it's over. I could almost hear Whole Foods licking its lips as we walked away, enjoying all our MONEY.
But we got it all, and now we're fully stocked! It is perfectly summed up by a text Thomas sent me this morning as I was out and about: "I don't want to alarm you, but there is an enormous amount of vegetables in our fridge."
I am ALARMED.
So basically, the diet eliminates meat, sugar, gluten, dairy, nuts, salt and pepper, caffeine and alcohol. So.... um, what's left? And where does pizza fit in? And the morning cup of coffee I've had everyday since I was 19 or something...?
It doesn't.
In many, many ways.
We get to try a lot of new food though, I am excited to try bok choy and amaranth porridge and broccoli rabe and all the other crazy random stuff in the recipes. And drinking a ton of water and herbal tea. And LITERALLY gallons of apple juice, because we are doing a simultaneous liver cleanse. And sweet Dr. Rau claims that on the last day of the liver cleanse,
"Most of what you evacuate will be watery, but filled with little stones."
Goooood. That sounds great.
"You will be surprised at how many stones you pass."
EXCELLENT.
"Many will be the size of small peas, but there may be a few so large they will surprise you."
Well, call me surprised ALREADY.
I will not tell the interwebz about my "evacuations", don't worry. Just wanted to share that this is a possibility because Thomas and I were DYING laughing reading this part of the book, because everyone knows that girls don't poo.
So tomorrow is day one. I am excited, especially because I just realized that tomorrow is SUNDAY and I don't have to go to work. Oooooh happy day of sitting around waiting for it to be 10am so I can eat 1/2 of an apple, chewing each bite 20-30 times (yes, he specifies). Hmmm....
But really, I am excited. I'm happy for the new start - I truly believe that we get out of our bodies and minds what we put into them. I hope this is an enriching experience that makes us healthier and brings us closer together. I'm hoping for clarity of mind and body as we make some major decisions in the next few months. I'm hoping for a new motivation to protect and nourish this one body I've been given and do my part to protect and nourish this one world WE have been given.
Wish me luck. I hope a straight tablespoon of flax seed oil isn't as horrible as it sounds.
The best part about the day was all the love and support I had around me.
My Mom, Thomas, friends who called and texted and Facebooked, family who ran with me and called and texted and cheered me on at the finish line.... I am one blessed girl.
Some highlights:
Getting ready to run!
About to cross the finish line! (This is about how far my feet were off the ground for the whole race....)
Speedy and sweet Darla who waited over an hour to give me a sweaty hug. No, I can't feel my feet.
Happy hug. Congrats.
My bib and SWEET MEDAL.
I'm quite proud of myself. It was a hot day with a lot more uphill running than I was used to (what I was used to being NONE). I hadn't really run at all since the eleven miles I ran the day before I got sick, nearly three weeks before the race. Considering the circumstances I think I did awesome. Turtle pace (3:03), but I did it.
Life is a bit of a weird calm now. There's been all this build-up for months.... Scheduling around training, thinking about running, planning for running, running, running and running, and so on and so forth.... And now it's done and I have no idea what is next. I liken this to a wedding - months of planning and prepping, for it all to be over in 4 hours. It's a bit of an empty feeling.
Part of me wants to talk about the details of my experience. Part of me doesn't. I was almost expecting some kind of spiritual (for lack of a better word) experience in completing this huge goal, but really what happened was I ran the farthest I ever have with twenty-three thousand other people, and then I was tired and drank a lot of beer. It was a FUN day, and I reflect on my training and this accomplishment fondly, but it's actually been somewhat anti-climactic.
I have caught myself looking forward to going for a run once my body has recovered from the race, so..... I'm crazy.
I've been trying to fall asleep for the last hour and a half. I've tried all my usual winners - tea, breathing, sleepy music, cat snuggles, warm socks.... And I'm sick, so I've taken both cough medicine and an ibuprofen pm, enough to usually put me OUT. So I'm hoping that getting all my thoughts out will invite sleep.
Before I get into my silly issues, I know that this is nothing compared to why others might be losing sleep this evening.... And yes, even nothing compared to many things I have dealt with.... But this is where my brain is tonight.... It's nonsense really. That's my disclaimer.
I can't sleep for two reasons:
1. I'm sick and it's mostly a sore throat and cough. Can't lie down or I cough more, so I'm all propped up with pillows, trying to get in the sleepy zone.... So I get relaxed and then I
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache.... Then I get snuggled and cozy again and
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache.....
And so on and so forth. I'm worried because my voice is already gone and I'm supposed to work tomorrow, and the majority of my job is talking so I'm anxious about that.
2. I'm worried about running. Because I've been sick, I haven't been able to run. So, again, without getting into the minutia of my training schedule, I've missed about 22 miles of runs this week, which leaves me only one weekend between now and the race to prepare.... My marathon book says not to try and squeeze in missed runs in the last week or two, however tempting it may be to do so; this could raise the risk of muscle exhaustion and injury. But I really hate not being on schedule this late in the game. So I'm here in the dark, worrying about the race, worrying about the hill I haven't trained for and probably won't be able to train for, worrying about not being healthy come race day, worrying about what I'm going to eat and what if I have to go to the bathroom.....? Worrying about stupid little stuff that probably is a non-issue. You know how you do when you're trying to sleep and all you can do is THINK.
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache..... (Yeah, that's still happening)
Why do I worry? What's going to happen is going to happen, whether or not I sit here and lose sleep over it. Every time I'm worried, I'm reminded of this song, however cliche it may be, it brings me peace without fail....
This is about to become the most random blog post everrrrr because today I listened to an episode of This American Life, and it was a remembrance of David Rakoff, a remarkable writer and frequent contributor to the show who recently passed away. The show made me want to write more, and better.... He was amazing, Two things struck me, and I want to share them....
The first was in a story about him dealing with cancer, the context isn't really important for my purposes, because I think that it can be applied to a multitude of situations..... He said:
"What remains of your past if you didn't allow yourself to feel it when it happened? If you don't have your experiences in the moment, if you gloss them over with jokes or zoom past them, you end up with curiously dispassionate memories, procedural and depopulated. It's as if a neutron bomb went off, and all you're left with are hospital corridors."
I just love that. This is something I learned in yoga, to be where you are and feel what you're feeling - however uncomfortable.
I always wanted my Dad to be "proud of me". In my head, it was always "is he proud of me?"
The other day I was running, listening to a song I've heard a hundred times, thinking about stuff I've thought about a hundred times, and I had this absolute WAVE of grief wash over me. It took my breath away. I was picturing myself at the starting line of the marathon in a few weeks, and I wondered to myself, "Will he be proud of me for doing this?" And I just LOST IT. Stopped running, sobbing, gasping for air, couldn't see, leaning against the closest lamp post or wall or whatever, just lost in sadness.... And then as quick as it came, it passed. And I was just me again, out for a run. So I dried my eyes and finished my run. But for those few moments I FELT IT. And I let it come. And it passed and I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.
I have decided not to share the second thing because it's just too depressing and I'm getting a more consistent headache.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear. That I'm going to be okay. My mom shared with me recently something that she learned long ago, and it's to ask yourself in a situation, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" So, Laura, what's the worst thing that could happen if you're not ready for the marathon? Probably nothing that will still matter in a year or even six months. I've done my best, I haven't been lazy about this. I don't have regrets about not training harder.
Okay I have no idea how to conclude this seriously random rambling. So.... Goodnight. And this (not safe for work):
As I sit here enjoying my alone time and morning coffee on the first day of 2013, I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness.
I keep hearing news stories about how 2012 was a real bummer; there was nothing but "bad news" in the world. And I can see that. But I look at my own life and think that 2012 was one of my best yet. I worked on Me a lot this year - physically, emotionally, and psychologically I am healthier. I am happier. I am more content.
2012 didn't start out so rosy. The details don't matter, but I am so glad things ended up like they did. I hope that they way I live reflects the many chances I've been given to be better and appreciate what I've been given.
I miss my Dad. This year will always be the year my Dad left. There are still moments of intense grief. But, especially with the holidays, memories of a good life - his and the one he built for my Mom and me.
This coming year there are major changes in store. I won't say anything yet. But opportunities are going to come along that I know are just going to blow my mind. I'm hoping I'm open to them, ready to see them for what they are and jump on the wagon with great enthusiasm and positivity.
I'll end with one of my favorite New Year's quotes:
May the mistakes of 2013 be different than those of 2012.
It's almost Christmas. I'm bursting at the seams. To see my Mom and family. To sleep in and be home with Thomas. To eat food. For a break from work.... I'm burned out. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a big vacation canyon, with my toesies curled over the edge, ready to jump.
I'm still running. Mostly hating it. I ran ten (10!!!) miles on Saturday, and that was a big deal. But to be completely honest, I'm kind of over it. But I'm waaayyy too invested at this point to quit. I've spent so much time and money and energy on running, thinking about running, learning about running, planning life around running.... I have to see this through. And I want to, in some ways. I absolutely love the feeling/rush/high (whatever you want to call it) that I get around mile 5 or 6 -- I'm running, no pain, feeling good, in the groove.... But the 4 miles it takes to get there and the recovery afterward is getting to be tiresome. I've developed some minor (for now) but painful IT Band issues, so I'm currently formulating a plan to deal with that. Planning to dominate it, obviously.
Obligatory running mention done. Back to Christmas.
This Christmas will be one-of-a-kind. First Christmas without my Dad. Last Christmas before some major changes for Thomas and I that I can't talk about yet, for fear that my speaking aloud of it will ruin everything.
Sentimental.
Nervous.
Expectant (but not expecting, don't get excited).
Hopeful.
Ready for the next thing/phase/adventure.
I say "did" because I admit, I walked a bit. I blame the two glasses (over the course of 4 hours) of wine out of a box I drank last night that gave me an all-nighter headache complete with weird back-of-eyeball pain, even though I drank a ton of water and got a full night of sleep. Note to self: don't drink wine out of a box any more, it can't be trusted.
The farther I get in my training, the more I'm trying to run all of my runs, with no walking. Because as Hal Higdon (marathon book author) says (paraphrased), "it's more satisfying to say that you've run a marathon instead of done a marathon." So I'm trying.
These recent runs are getting so very long. And boring. It's not even poetic or fun or inspirational any more, it's just like, okay, let's crank this out so I can come home and watch a Downton Abbey and eat Christmas cookies.
But I'm still running. Not getting hit by cars. Working through hip pain and apathy and lack of motivation and nausea (Jelly Belly's "Sport Beans" were a bad time). I have pepper spray now.
I guess those are all the updates. I'm feeling a little blah about the whole thing right now, to be honest. A bright spot is that I'm going to start using my new shoes this week. Hey-ooooo!
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