Life is complicated. This is the story of my quest to live simply, and the simple things that make life special.
Maybe all we really need is love and what can fit in a suitcase.
The best part about the day was all the love and support I had around me.
My Mom, Thomas, friends who called and texted and Facebooked, family who ran with me and called and texted and cheered me on at the finish line.... I am one blessed girl.
Some highlights:
Getting ready to run!
About to cross the finish line! (This is about how far my feet were off the ground for the whole race....)
Speedy and sweet Darla who waited over an hour to give me a sweaty hug. No, I can't feel my feet.
Happy hug. Congrats.
My bib and SWEET MEDAL.
I'm quite proud of myself. It was a hot day with a lot more uphill running than I was used to (what I was used to being NONE). I hadn't really run at all since the eleven miles I ran the day before I got sick, nearly three weeks before the race. Considering the circumstances I think I did awesome. Turtle pace (3:03), but I did it.
Life is a bit of a weird calm now. There's been all this build-up for months.... Scheduling around training, thinking about running, planning for running, running, running and running, and so on and so forth.... And now it's done and I have no idea what is next. I liken this to a wedding - months of planning and prepping, for it all to be over in 4 hours. It's a bit of an empty feeling.
Part of me wants to talk about the details of my experience. Part of me doesn't. I was almost expecting some kind of spiritual (for lack of a better word) experience in completing this huge goal, but really what happened was I ran the farthest I ever have with twenty-three thousand other people, and then I was tired and drank a lot of beer. It was a FUN day, and I reflect on my training and this accomplishment fondly, but it's actually been somewhat anti-climactic.
I have caught myself looking forward to going for a run once my body has recovered from the race, so..... I'm crazy.
I've been trying to fall asleep for the last hour and a half. I've tried all my usual winners - tea, breathing, sleepy music, cat snuggles, warm socks.... And I'm sick, so I've taken both cough medicine and an ibuprofen pm, enough to usually put me OUT. So I'm hoping that getting all my thoughts out will invite sleep.
Before I get into my silly issues, I know that this is nothing compared to why others might be losing sleep this evening.... And yes, even nothing compared to many things I have dealt with.... But this is where my brain is tonight.... It's nonsense really. That's my disclaimer.
I can't sleep for two reasons:
1. I'm sick and it's mostly a sore throat and cough. Can't lie down or I cough more, so I'm all propped up with pillows, trying to get in the sleepy zone.... So I get relaxed and then I
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache.... Then I get snuggled and cozy again and
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache.....
And so on and so forth. I'm worried because my voice is already gone and I'm supposed to work tomorrow, and the majority of my job is talking so I'm anxious about that.
2. I'm worried about running. Because I've been sick, I haven't been able to run. So, again, without getting into the minutia of my training schedule, I've missed about 22 miles of runs this week, which leaves me only one weekend between now and the race to prepare.... My marathon book says not to try and squeeze in missed runs in the last week or two, however tempting it may be to do so; this could raise the risk of muscle exhaustion and injury. But I really hate not being on schedule this late in the game. So I'm here in the dark, worrying about the race, worrying about the hill I haven't trained for and probably won't be able to train for, worrying about not being healthy come race day, worrying about what I'm going to eat and what if I have to go to the bathroom.....? Worrying about stupid little stuff that probably is a non-issue. You know how you do when you're trying to sleep and all you can do is THINK.
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache..... (Yeah, that's still happening)
Why do I worry? What's going to happen is going to happen, whether or not I sit here and lose sleep over it. Every time I'm worried, I'm reminded of this song, however cliche it may be, it brings me peace without fail....
This is about to become the most random blog post everrrrr because today I listened to an episode of This American Life, and it was a remembrance of David Rakoff, a remarkable writer and frequent contributor to the show who recently passed away. The show made me want to write more, and better.... He was amazing, Two things struck me, and I want to share them....
The first was in a story about him dealing with cancer, the context isn't really important for my purposes, because I think that it can be applied to a multitude of situations..... He said:
"What remains of your past if you didn't allow yourself to feel it when it happened? If you don't have your experiences in the moment, if you gloss them over with jokes or zoom past them, you end up with curiously dispassionate memories, procedural and depopulated. It's as if a neutron bomb went off, and all you're left with are hospital corridors."
I just love that. This is something I learned in yoga, to be where you are and feel what you're feeling - however uncomfortable.
I always wanted my Dad to be "proud of me". In my head, it was always "is he proud of me?"
The other day I was running, listening to a song I've heard a hundred times, thinking about stuff I've thought about a hundred times, and I had this absolute WAVE of grief wash over me. It took my breath away. I was picturing myself at the starting line of the marathon in a few weeks, and I wondered to myself, "Will he be proud of me for doing this?" And I just LOST IT. Stopped running, sobbing, gasping for air, couldn't see, leaning against the closest lamp post or wall or whatever, just lost in sadness.... And then as quick as it came, it passed. And I was just me again, out for a run. So I dried my eyes and finished my run. But for those few moments I FELT IT. And I let it come. And it passed and I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.
I have decided not to share the second thing because it's just too depressing and I'm getting a more consistent headache.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear. That I'm going to be okay. My mom shared with me recently something that she learned long ago, and it's to ask yourself in a situation, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" So, Laura, what's the worst thing that could happen if you're not ready for the marathon? Probably nothing that will still matter in a year or even six months. I've done my best, I haven't been lazy about this. I don't have regrets about not training harder.
Okay I have no idea how to conclude this seriously random rambling. So.... Goodnight. And this (not safe for work):
As I sit here enjoying my alone time and morning coffee on the first day of 2013, I am so overwhelmed with thankfulness.
I keep hearing news stories about how 2012 was a real bummer; there was nothing but "bad news" in the world. And I can see that. But I look at my own life and think that 2012 was one of my best yet. I worked on Me a lot this year - physically, emotionally, and psychologically I am healthier. I am happier. I am more content.
2012 didn't start out so rosy. The details don't matter, but I am so glad things ended up like they did. I hope that they way I live reflects the many chances I've been given to be better and appreciate what I've been given.
I miss my Dad. This year will always be the year my Dad left. There are still moments of intense grief. But, especially with the holidays, memories of a good life - his and the one he built for my Mom and me.
This coming year there are major changes in store. I won't say anything yet. But opportunities are going to come along that I know are just going to blow my mind. I'm hoping I'm open to them, ready to see them for what they are and jump on the wagon with great enthusiasm and positivity.
I'll end with one of my favorite New Year's quotes:
May the mistakes of 2013 be different than those of 2012.
