Before I get into my silly issues, I know that this is nothing compared to why others might be losing sleep this evening.... And yes, even nothing compared to many things I have dealt with.... But this is where my brain is tonight.... It's nonsense really. That's my disclaimer.
I can't sleep for two reasons:
1. I'm sick and it's mostly a sore throat and cough. Can't lie down or I cough more, so I'm all propped up with pillows, trying to get in the sleepy zone.... So I get relaxed and then I
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache.... Then I get snuggled and cozy again and
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache.....
And so on and so forth. I'm worried because my voice is already gone and I'm supposed to work tomorrow, and the majority of my job is talking so I'm anxious about that.
2. I'm worried about running. Because I've been sick, I haven't been able to run. So, again, without getting into the minutia of my training schedule, I've missed about 22 miles of runs this week, which leaves me only one weekend between now and the race to prepare.... My marathon book says not to try and squeeze in missed runs in the last week or two, however tempting it may be to do so; this could raise the risk of muscle exhaustion and injury. But I really hate not being on schedule this late in the game. So I'm here in the dark, worrying about the race, worrying about the hill I haven't trained for and probably won't be able to train for, worrying about not being healthy come race day, worrying about what I'm going to eat and what if I have to go to the bathroom.....? Worrying about stupid little stuff that probably is a non-issue. You know how you do when you're trying to sleep and all you can do is THINK.
*COUGH*!!! OUCH!!! Headache..... (Yeah, that's still happening)
Why do I worry? What's going to happen is going to happen, whether or not I sit here and lose sleep over it. Every time I'm worried, I'm reminded of this song, however cliche it may be, it brings me peace without fail....
This is about to become the most random blog post everrrrr because today I listened to an episode of This American Life, and it was a remembrance of David Rakoff, a remarkable writer and frequent contributor to the show who recently passed away. The show made me want to write more, and better.... He was amazing, Two things struck me, and I want to share them....
The first was in a story about him dealing with cancer, the context isn't really important for my purposes, because I think that it can be applied to a multitude of situations..... He said:
"What remains of your past if you didn't allow yourself to feel it when it happened? If you don't have your experiences in the moment, if you gloss them over with jokes or zoom past them, you end up with curiously dispassionate memories, procedural and depopulated. It's as if a neutron bomb went off, and all you're left with are hospital corridors."I just love that. This is something I learned in yoga, to be where you are and feel what you're feeling - however uncomfortable.
I always wanted my Dad to be "proud of me". In my head, it was always "is he proud of me?"
The other day I was running, listening to a song I've heard a hundred times, thinking about stuff I've thought about a hundred times, and I had this absolute WAVE of grief wash over me. It took my breath away. I was picturing myself at the starting line of the marathon in a few weeks, and I wondered to myself, "Will he be proud of me for doing this?" And I just LOST IT. Stopped running, sobbing, gasping for air, couldn't see, leaning against the closest lamp post or wall or whatever, just lost in sadness.... And then as quick as it came, it passed. And I was just me again, out for a run. So I dried my eyes and finished my run. But for those few moments I FELT IT. And I let it come. And it passed and I'm okay. I'm going to be okay.
I have decided not to share the second thing because it's just too depressing and I'm getting a more consistent headache.
Maybe that's what I needed to hear. That I'm going to be okay. My mom shared with me recently something that she learned long ago, and it's to ask yourself in a situation, "What's the worst thing that could happen?" So, Laura, what's the worst thing that could happen if you're not ready for the marathon? Probably nothing that will still matter in a year or even six months. I've done my best, I haven't been lazy about this. I don't have regrets about not training harder.
Okay I have no idea how to conclude this seriously random rambling. So.... Goodnight. And this (not safe for work):
1 comment:
Do not stress about the race. I know how you feel because I've been there but I promise you will be 100% okay. You've been doing fine with your training and you did the really long runs. Besides your muscles will be rested and it might actually be even better. Love you friend, you're awesome!!
-Darla
Post a Comment