Simply. Having. a wonderful Christmas-time.

It's almost Christmas. I'm bursting at the seams. To see my Mom and family. To sleep in and be home with Thomas. To eat food. For a break from work.... I'm burned out. I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a big vacation canyon, with my toesies curled over the edge, ready to jump.

I'm still running. Mostly hating it. I ran ten (10!!!) miles on Saturday, and that was a big deal. But to be completely honest, I'm kind of over it. But I'm waaayyy too invested at this point to quit. I've spent so much time and money and energy on running, thinking about running, learning about running, planning life around running.... I have to see this through. And I want to, in some ways. I absolutely love the feeling/rush/high (whatever you want to call it) that I get around mile 5 or 6 -- I'm running, no pain, feeling good, in the groove.... But the 4 miles it takes to get there and the recovery afterward is getting to be tiresome. I've developed some minor (for now) but painful IT Band issues, so I'm currently formulating a plan to deal with that. Planning to dominate it, obviously.

Obligatory running mention done. Back to Christmas.

This Christmas will be one-of-a-kind. First Christmas without my Dad. Last Christmas before some major changes for Thomas and I that I can't talk about yet, for fear that my speaking aloud of it will ruin everything.
Sentimental.
Nervous.
Expectant (but not expecting, don't get excited).
Hopeful.
Ready for the next thing/phase/adventure.

Niner.

I did 9 miles this morning.

I say "did" because I admit, I walked a bit. I blame the two glasses (over the course of 4 hours) of wine out of a box I drank last night that gave me an all-nighter headache complete with weird back-of-eyeball pain, even though I drank a ton of water and got a full night of sleep. Note to self: don't drink wine out of a box any more, it can't be trusted.

The farther I get in my training, the more I'm trying to run all of my runs, with no walking. Because as Hal Higdon (marathon book author) says (paraphrased), "it's more satisfying to say that you've run a marathon instead of done a marathon." So I'm trying.

These recent runs are getting so very long. And boring. It's not even poetic or fun or inspirational any more, it's just like, okay, let's crank this out so I can come home and watch a Downton Abbey and eat Christmas cookies.

But I'm still running. Not getting hit by cars. Working through hip pain and apathy and lack of motivation and nausea (Jelly Belly's "Sport Beans" were a bad time). I have pepper spray now.

I guess those are all the updates. I'm feeling a little blah about the whole thing right now, to be honest. A bright spot is that I'm going to start using my new shoes this week. Hey-ooooo!

Gear and random.

I ran 7 miles today. It took forever. It was so boring. I practically wrote this in my brain while I was running, just to pass the time. (An hour and a half, to be exact.)

Let's talk GEAR! First, watch this video about accoutre-ma (absolutely NOT safe for work, but awesomely funny for home....), watch the whole thing and you'll see what I mean at about 4:08...

Okay, let's get down to it. I'm gonna go H to T (head to toe, couldn't resist the Top Model reference). This is my absolute must-be-attached-to-my-body list for when I run.


Head:
Apple earbuds that came with my iPhone. Necessary. The earbuds actually stay in my ears for the most part, which, I have recently realized makes me one of the chosen few. Being able to change the song from the headphone wire is my favorite feature (aint nobody got time to pull out my phone and do it!). I have tried a few running apps, and although I don't use it as much as I used to, RunKeeper has been my favorite. For music (I'm kinda over This American Life, for now) I use a sometimes-lame-o "Workout Radio" station on Pandora. Thomas and I share a subscription to Pandora One ($3.99 per month) because commercials are awful.

Cheap-o mall kiosk hipster sunglasses because they're comfy, they don't slide down my sweaty nose, and if they fall off my face and break I'll only be out $13.

A sweet ear-cover headband that my sweet friend A got me for my birthday. I've only had to wear it once because it hasn't been cold enough, but I do love it. I can't find a link for a visual. I'm sure you can picture it.

Clothes:

I know it sounds crazy, but brand names seriously matter when it comes to performance clothes. I didn't want it to, because they're expensive, but my Nike stuff is really tried and true.... It doesn't bunch up, it's cut well, it feels good, and it wicks moisture the best. Sports bra brand doesn't matter, though, as long as the material is stretch and wicking. I have a few different ones and they all do the job, but I'm, um, small-to-average in that department, so..... I swear my Nike shirt makes me run faster, though. Because, science. Shorts with built in undies are weird at first, but awesome after that. As it gets colder, I'm gonna need a pair of running pants, but I'm okay for now (I have a SWEET shorts/socks tan!) A hidden key pocket is a BIG bonus, especially for short runs. Sporty socks with arch support are better than cushy cottony ones that bunch up and give you blisters.

Accessories:

I could shout from the roof-tops how much I love my SPIBELT!!! It's perfect for my iPhone and a key if necessary. It stays put and doesn't bounce around. The belt part is super stretchy, so I use it to hold tissues for my runny nose, or anything I need to ditch halfway through a run, like my ear cover headband if it gets too hot, or sunglasses if the sun goes down.... You get the idea. I can't say enough good things about it.

I bought this hand water bottle (I did NOT pay that much, this is just the only link I could find....) for long runs and I'm not sold on it yet. It will do the job, but it leaks like crazy. I keep a paper towel between the bottle and my hand just for comfort, otherwise I have water constantly dripping onto my legs. The little pocket is handy though, for my house key and a couple GUs (that's next). 10oz doesn't seems like much, but it works, especially if I make sure I'm hydrated first....

I have some flashy lights (pictured here around our legs) that I use at night so I don't get run over by people who are texting and driving.

Food:

Last Monday, I did my 5 miles without walking at all for the first time. I got home and showered and I was SO sick.... Nauseous and tired and icky. I didn't hydrate enough and I didn't have enough electrolytes. I stocked up on Gatorade and pre-hydrated a lot, and hoped that wouldn't be a repeat event for my run today.

I've already mentioned the magic of the banana.  And today, for the first time, I experienced the magic of GU! I did my first two miles, feeling sluggish.... Heavy footed, even with banana energy in me. And then around mile 3 I ate half of a GU packet, then the other half around mile 4, and I just raaaaannnn the rest of the 7..... It was like I had a superpower and it was RUNNING. Incredible. It's like this perfect gooey disgusting blend of carbs and caffeine and electrolytes and something to look forward to when oh my gosh is this run ever going to end....? I tried Tri-Berry flavor today.... We'll see which flavor becomes my flavorite (ba ha ha) treat...? And I've felt great all day. I also drank a lot of water, chocolate milk, and Gatorade (just for good measure) when I got home.

Shoes:

I have these Sauconys (except they're turquoise). They're fine. The inner mesh wore out in like a minute so you can see my socks right through the outside. But whatever. This is not a fashion show.

The shoes I wore on vacation to NYC this summer were killing me, so I stopped in the first sporting goods store I saw and bought these Asics (except they're green) so I wouldn't die in New York, and so I would already have my second set of shoes for training. (You're supposed to change your running shoes about every 300 miles. By my calculations I'll be there by mid-December..... Sheeeeesh....) I haven't run in them yet, we'll see.

I also wear old person arch supports because I have high arches that yell at me if I don't take care of them.


Okay, I guess that's all my gear. I guess I'm a serious runner now.

See ya.

Mixed up new normal.

Life is full, and this weekend was full of LIFE. And full of cheesecake.

Saturday the 3rd was both the day of  my Dad's memorial service and my birthday. Again, weird. It was okay with me, but certainly a birthday I will always remember. The memorial service was simple and special. At the birthday party afterwards I was surrounded with family and friends who love me; that was nice... There was cake and candles and singing and gifts. And I am so thankful for that. But I was exhausted and the undertone was emotional. But I guess that happens when you have a funeral and a birthday party in the same day. It's naturally inconsistent. I don't know. I don't have the right words. My heart is all mixed up.

That being said, it was a FUN weekend spent with my husband, mom, sister, and nephew. We shared memories. We laughed a lot. We drank. We ate non-stop. We shed some tears, but not too many. We played cards. I didn't run. I slept in and lounged around and ate bacon. I hadn't missed a run yet, and I figured that this was a significant enough life event to just take a day or three and rest and rehydrate and be present.

I am back to work now. Back at home. I guess things return to "normal", whatever that looks like now. For my everyday life, it doesn't mean much. Other than calling home and talking to him for a couple minutes, and giving him a kiss on the top of the head when I went home to visit, my dad wasn't a significant part of my everyday life for the last couple years. I don't really feel that different.... until I remember that I can't call and talk to him, and I won't see him in his chair when I go home, and he won't be telling me what to do and how to do it. That's the new normal, I guess.

Weird. This is just weird.

My Dad passed away last week. On October 15th, at about 10:40pm. The facts are simple, but the loss is so profound.

The details of how it happened don't really matter at the end of the day. He is gone. But I will say that I'm thankful for how it happened; he was at home until just a few hours before he "left" (as my Mom and I keep catching ourselves saying), he didn't suffer long, and he was so very, very ready to go. He told me the day before that he was "tired of living". And I knew that he was. And I'm thankful that he isn't tired anymore.

I know that for the rest of my life I will constantly be realizing what a huge part of ME he really was. And still is. The way I grew up and the strong presence that he was affects everything I still do. I will never put a wet towel on the floor. I will always un-ball my socks before I put them in the hamper. I will always break down cereal boxes before putting them in the trash. I will pull my plate over to me. I will think of goats every time someone says "kids" instead of "children". There is a right and a wrong way to do things, and I was never allowed to forget it.

He thought he would die years ago. I learned this week that a family friend of ours once told him, "Fred, I wish you would either do it or stop talking about it!" I have spent my whole life with this "someday it will happen" hanging over my head. I planned everything with the footnote of "depending on the situation with my Dad". So in a lot of ways, this is a relief and a release for me (and my Mom - oooooh the new-found freedom for my Mom!) to move onto the next chapter with a little more certainty about the timing of the future.

There is so much to process. I'm sure I will be processing for years. Last week I sat down a few times to try and write this, but it was just TOO MUCH. Too much emotion, too many memories, overflowing, spilling over, rising up in my chest and rumbling around in my tummy. I probably lost a lot of the raw emotions from the time immediately after, but I don't think we're supposed to stay in that space of the fresh wound for very long. Just like a physical wound, healing begins immediately. I'm thankful for the work that needs to be done immediately after a death - it is so helpful to have tasks to fill the time; going through pictures and writing an obituary and picking out an urn (or, in my Dad's case, not picking out an urn) are all exercises in celebrating the richness of the life that was, and processing the finality of the end.

I can't sum up an entire 91 year life in a blog post. I'm looking forward to the Memorial Service so I can hear some other peoples' stories and experiences.... I wish I had a fuller picture of him. But I do know that he loved my Mom and he loved me. I will carry that with me, and even when everything else falls away and the nuances of his personality are forgotten and life goes on, I will know that I was loved.

Hopefully this makes sense to your brain, too.

During my run today (FIVE MILES!!! I want to shout it from the rooftops that I just ran FIVE miles!) I listened to possibly one of my favorite episodes of This American Life yet. You can listen to it here. You should probably just go listen to it because the re-cap I'm about to do will not do it justice. But one of the stories was about a dad who electrically rigged his car with a rotary phone dial in the middle of the steering wheel, and when he would enter a “code” on the dial, the car would start. He had a code for everything; if someone wanted their window down or seat reclined, there was a code for that. It took him months of work to set it all up. But in the end, he had a car that only he could control, because only he knew the codes. His daughter is a producer for the show, and as she's telling the story, she talks about how everyone in the family has heard the story multiple times. They have parts of it memorized. Her dad is so proud of this car he tricked out 50+ years ago. He will tell anyone who will listen. And the moral of his story was that you can do ANYTHING if you set your mind to it however weird it seems.

This struck me for two reasons.

First, I have one of those dads. His brain wires don't really cross correctly anymore (Parkinson's and being 91 – booooo), but in his day my dad could weave a tale. I have heard some of his stories probably 20 times. And every time, he would tell them to me like this was the first time he had ever told anyone, let alone me. Even now, he'll try to start a story, and he'll get confused about the details or the time-line, and my mom and I are usually able to finish it for him. Because we've heard it THAT MANY TIMES. But for me it's one of those memories that isn't far enough in the past that it's cute or funny yet. Like, it still annoys me to think about having to sit through one of my dad's stories. It's not something I miss about him, yet. Not sure if it ever will be.

Secondly, I found myself likening my half-marathon to this dad's code-car. It will take me months to train for, and then it will be done. I will be so proud of myself, and I will want to tell everyone my tale. But realistically, no one will really want to hear it. They'll listen to me to make me feel good, and then say “Wow, Laura, that's great! Good job!”. Which is great. It really will make me feel good. But just like Car-Dad, I am the one who will know all the details and everything that went into this accomplishment. In the same way that the details of the car didn't matter to anyone else, the details of what this marathon means to me aren't important for anyone else. It's just for me. It's a ton of work. It's getting up early, it's soreness, it's being super mindful of nutrition, it's time management, and on and on and on..... Training becomes a lifestyle. So for me, the moral of the story is that this is just for me, and always will be. But if I set my mind to it, I can do it.

Magic Bananas

(Written Saturday, October 6, 2012)

One week of training down! I won't get into the minutia of my training schedule, but today I ran the farthest I ever have. Like, EVER. It was only 4 miles, but if you had told me a year ago that the words “only”, “four”, and “miles” would come out of my mouth in that order I would have told you get out of town. Seriously. No, really, leave.

I think it's safe to say that I've made great strides (pun INTENDED) in mastering the morning run. I have always been an after work sunset runner, because I was born “not a morning person”. The sun comes up and my body says NOPE. But I know that I need to train my body to say “YAY! It's morning! Let's go run 9 miles! Hooray!” So I have been diligent about getting out of bed a 6am and doing my run. Because it works better with my schedule, and the actual race is in the morning, so I need to be used to the morning (which was my downfall with Pat's Run – another story for another day, or maybe not. Let's just pretend like that one never happened. Okay, thanks.).

Day one was ROUGH. Like, lead feet, tired mushy brain runningishorrible whyamidoingthis Iwillneverbeabletorun13miles I'mtired Iwanttojustlayhereonthesideoftheroad. Thomas suggested that I eat a banana before my next run because that's what he used to do in high school for tennis, so I did, and OOOOH man! BANANA-RAMA! I have done the banana thing twice now and it makes a world of difference. I cannot overstate the magic of the banana. I have energy, I'm focused, I can run and run and run.

And I'm actually starting to love the morning. It's just me. Thomas and the cats are still sleeping. The house is quiet. The world is quiet. I have my tea and banana, I gather my gear (post on gear is in the works....) and I GO. The sun is just peeking up over block walls and desert landscaping, there's a tiny (very tiny) chill in the air, I don't have to do anything for the next however many miles except run those miles. It's just me and Ira Glass (see next paragraph for explanation of potentially obscure reference...).

I am a big, HUGE, fan of public radio, and I've found that my favorite thing to listen to while I run is not up-tempo inspirational music (Kelly Clarkson, Stronger – I'm looking at you!), but This American Life, with host Ira Glass. If you don't know what it is, click the link. It's awesome. It's the best. I just get absolutely lost in the story, and before I know it, I've done another mile. Love, LOVE.

Stay tuned. Next week I end with five miles. Sheeeesh.

Starting the Process of Progress

(Written Saturday, September 29, 2012)

Today is the last Saturday for the next 4-ish months that I won't get up early. To RUN. Say what? Who gets up at 6am on a Saturday after working a full week to do anything other than pee and go BACK TO BED? Me. I will. Because I have decided that on January 20th, 2013, I will run 13.1 miles. And apparently that's not something you just decide to go do. There is training. Much, much training.

Darla gave me my training schedule this week. At first, no big deal. 3 miles here, 4 miles there. I haven't done that too consistently, but I CAN do it. I just haven't. And then December arrives, and there's one week where I will run a total of 23 miles. Twenty. Three. MILES. And that week just so happens to be the week of Christmas. I will celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus not in my usual way of drinking a lot of wine and eating everything I can get my hands on (emphasize “a lot” and “everything”), mixed with feeling sentimental for the passage of time and days gone by, but by running 23 miles. Hey, cool!

It doesn't make sense. Why would I choose this? I have never been a very athletic person, or someone who really even sets goals. But maybe that's the reason. I NEED this. Like a kid that's a behavior problem in high school needs the Army. I need to learn the discipline to do something that no one is expecting me to do, or even cares if I do it or not. This is not a natural next step, like college after high school or babies after marriage. This is something completely unnecessary, but it's for ME. And I have to do it. HAVE TO. In my spirit.

I plan to journal my progress here, because I know that it will not only be progress, but a process. I know I'm not the first one to run a race, there is nothing notable for the world about me doing this. But I have a feeling it will change my world.

Welcome back, Me!

(Written Saturday, June 23, 2012)
I tend to think in terms of “what was I doing one year ago right now…” It helps me get a handle on the passage of time, my progress (or lack there-of) through life, to remember to be grateful…. So, one year ago right now, I was doing…. well, THIS. Blogging. Except in mostly different circumstances.
And I loved it. I loved the therapy (for lack of a better word) of putting my thoughts out there for anyone or no one to read. But that backfired badly for me, as people acted as though because I put something on the interwebz, it became their personal business to handle/comment on/fix. I partly blame myself, for not establishing clear boundaries from the start. So, I stopped the blogging. At least the blogging about anything other than what I could post vanilla pictures of. But it felt fake…. I was in a different head-space than what I was depicting on my blog, but couldn’t share it because people would see it and take it upon themselves to tell me how to be different. I guess that’s enough details about why I stopped.
All this to say, I’m starting again. Because I miss writing. This is not for anyone but me. If you find it, I’m glad. Read it. Enjoy it on whatever level you want. DO NOT contact me or Thomas with judgements, questions, or suggestions of how to live our life. If we need your help with life, we’ll ask. In the same spirit of boundaries, I won’t write about anyone’s business but my own. I think that’s pretty clear. (“Man, she’s kinda rude.”)
I’m not traveling anymore, other than down the road of life (wow, that was cheesy….), so I realize that this won’t be a non-stop thrill-ride if you do subscribe. But it’s for me, so it is what it is.
So, what have I been doing for the last year? Here are some of the highlights, in no particular order:

• We have set up a new life in Phoenix, I’m working at a job I enjoy (as much as one can enjoy a job that isn’t a career), Thomas finished his thesis and graduated with his Masters (I don’t think I could be more PROUD), and the cats are as furry and cat-ish as ever.
  

• I got really depressed and then spent about six months in counseling. WORTH EVERY PENNY and I’m doing much better now.
• I got an iPhone. Anti-smartphone-me got an iPhone. It’s been 7 months and I’m still very much in love.
• I started running/hiking/working out/etc. Still doing yoga regularly. My sweet friend Darla has been instrumental in this – an encouraging, motivating force that inspired me to get out of bed WAY earlier on many a Saturday than normal Laura would have been willing to. We hiked the Seven Summits of Phoenix (well, six…), I ran a 5K, struggled through 4.2 miles at Pat’s Run, and I’m planning on dominating a half-marathon in January. 
  
  
  
  
  
• I’ve gotten pretty good at Words With Friends. Yessss…..
• I got PRK (vision-correction surgery) and I’m SO very glad. Life changing. Not for the faint of heart.
  

So, I hope this is the first post of many. I want this to be some kind of outlet for me. Not sure what it will look like, yet.

Back in Action!

Once upon a time, I had a blog. It was a lovely blog. It had a whimsical theme with its own domain name, I spent hours and days and nights learning WordPress so I could make my blog just how I wanted. It screamed "ME!". I blogged my life - some major stuff (quit my job and moved to Brazil for 3 months with Thomas). Then I didn't log in for like, 9 months. To make a long story short, I recently logged in, just to say "Hi" to my blog, did a WordPress update, and then my blog was ruined. The end.

So because I can't speak computer code well enough to fix my blog, I'm starting over. In more ways than one. I'm not the girl who went to Brazil anymore. I'm a new me, with a new outlook and spirit.

While I was on the edge of my seat wondering if my blog could be saved, I was doing some blogging anyway. So the next few posts will be to catch up. Get everyone up to speed, while I learn how to sweet-talk Blogger. Glad you're here.